How to Waste Time

by Charles R. Swindoll

James 4:13-17

Have you noticed how many day-planners are available these days? And then there are the time-management self-help books: how to increase your efficiency, how to make every moment count, how to invest your time wisely and productively.

While all those voices and handy products scream for your attention, I'd like to play devil's advocate and tell you how to waste your time. Five proven ideas come immediately to mind:

First, worry a lot. Start worrying early in the morning and intensify your anxiety as the day passes. Worry about your own failures and mistakes—about what you should or could have done but didn't. To add variety, worry about things you should not have done but did. Hanging around negative people is another secret you won't want to forget. Remember: Potential ulcers need fresh acid.

Second, make hard-and-fast predictions. Of course, you'll need to ignore that little throwaway line in the fourth chapter of James: "you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow." But forget that comment and set your expectations in motion. Be as specific as you can. For example, one month before his July 1975 disappearance, Jimmy Hoffa announced: "I don't need bodyguards."

Third, fix your attention on getting rich. You'll get a lot of innovative ideas from the secular bookshelves (I counted fourteen books on the subject last time I was in a bookstore), plus you'll fit right in with most of the hype that's pouring out of entrepreneurial seminars and high-pressure sales meetings.

Fourth, compare yourself with others. Not only will you ricochet between the extremes of arrogance and discouragement, you will also spend the time not knowing who you are.

Fifth, lengthen your list of enemies. If there's one thing above all others that will keep your wheels spinning, it's perfecting your skill at the Blame Game. With a full arsenal of suspicion, paranoia, and resentment, you can waste endless evenings stewing over those folks who have made your life miserable.

Put these five surefire suggestions in motion, and you can forget about all the hassles connected with being happy, efficient, productive, and contented. Within a couple of months, those things won't even be on your agenda.

All this sounds like foolish exaggeration, doesn't it? But just stop and think: How much time are you already wasting on some of these things?

I'm still here.

5 Pillars

God wants you to know ... that the way you know you have found the right one is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with the person.

Having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.
- Dinah Craik

Thoughts from daily devotion

O LORD,
I am a shell full of dust,
but animated with an invisible rational soul
and made anew by an unseen power of grace;
Yet l am no rare object of valuable price,
but one that has nothing and is nothing,
although chosen of thee from eternity,
given to Christ, and born again;
I am deeply convinced of the evil and misery of a sinful state,
of the vanity of creatures,
but also of the sufficiency of Christ.
When thou wouldst guide me I control myself,
When thou wouldst be sovereign I rule myself.
When thou wouldst take care of me I suffice myself.
When I should depend on thy providings I supply myself,
When I should submit to thy providence I follow my will,
When I should study, love, honour, trust thee, I serve myself;
I fault and correct thy laws to suit myself,
Instead of thee I look to man's approbation,
and am by nature an idolater.
Lord, it is my chief design to bring my heart back to thee.
Convince me that I cannot be my own god, or make myself happy,
nor my own Christ to restore my joy,
nor my own Spirit to teach, guide, and rule me. . . .

Then take me to the cross and leave me there.

1. Arthur Bennett, ed., The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions (Carlisle, Pa.: The Banner of Truth Trust, © 1975, 1988, 2003).

Gu Bak Kuey Teow

My family loves beef noodles from the store @ Kovan. Today, we had it for lunch out in the backyard after the cool rain.

I'm beginning to see the blessings in having just the family (no helper) around. We've been doing more things together and eating at the table together. Really good quality time with each other :)

Noteworthy things a mother teaches her daughter.

In ironing...

about insides & outsides:
'Ok Sarah, I'll tell you a secret alot of people don't know about ironing. Always iron the inside of the [item] then the front will behave.'

about lines & collars:
'Alot of people think you iron according to the line but actually you should go against the line..."
'Why?'
'Just do it. It works.'

about cotton:

'You see this is fine cotton. So you just need to press press only.'

about irons:
'The marketing people always say having the water squirt out from the iron itself is good. But you'll never know how many days water is still in the iron even if you think you've cleaned it! There's nothing better than a water spray bottle.'

Sentence of the day: 'you can ask 10 people and all of them won't know this!' [referring to her tips in ironing]

Thanks Mama. I'll definitely remember them Haaaa

In deep thought.

I realize in serious conversations, I like to assume the role as listener rather than contributor. There's a basis to this role assumption - I believe to an extent that if you've nothing better to contribute to a conversation then the best way is to just listen.

Met my ex-coursemates today and listened a whole lot. Gave me lots to think about. About society as we know it, the people, the progress, the needs and career paths. When do we draw a line b/w the needs of others and personal needs? Vague, I know but let me keep it that way ok? :)

Pray & seek God, I must. Time will reveal the outcome.

Friends over family?

Was just reading this article and thought it was pretty good. Have a look and let me know if you agree :) If you take time to read the whole article, you'll spot 'Trinitarian" too! Haa Taken from Experimental Theology by Richard Beck.

One of the things at ACU I look forward to is the Carmichael-Walling lectures in New Testament and Early Christianity. This year Gail R. O'Day delivered lectures entitled Jesus as Friend. The 4:30 lecture I attended was on the topic Jesus as Friend in the Gospel of John.

In the lecture O'Day took as her main text this passage from John 15.12-15:

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

In the lecture O'Day made the argument that friendship is a key theological category in the gospel of John. More, the notion of friendship in John is not the sentimental or thin notions of friendship we moderns often have (think: Facebook "friends"). No, for John, and the ancients generally, friendship meant being willing to "lay down one's life."

I might share some of my notes from the lecture next week, but for this post I want to share the question I asked in the Q&A. Basically, I found O'Day's argument to be persuasive. If so, it's troubling that friendship gets scant attention in many churches. I don't think I've ever heard a sermon or adult bible class on the subject of being a good friend. Christians, in short, just don't think about friendship.

And yet, there in John Jesus puts friendship at the center of his vision for community. As friends we are to love each other.

By contrast, Christians talk a great deal about family. They talk a lot about the biological family (Mom, Dad and the kids) and the spiritual family (how we are all brothers and sisters in Christ).

And as I listened to Dr. O'Day I wondered about that. What difference might it make in our churches if we saw ourselves as friends rather than as family? That was the question I asked.

In her answer O'Day gestured in the direction where my thoughts were heading. Specifically, she noted that friendship is a volitional activity. We choose our friends where we don't choose our family. Also, friendship is more of an egalitarian concept in that it doesn't have the potential for hierarchy (parents over children). Finally, she mentioned that friendship implies certain "mutual obligations."

I guess people might quibble with that last answer. Family members also seem to have mutual obligations. But here's where my thoughts were heading in this direction.

It seems to me that the notion of family can create a kind of callousness in the church. As O'Day noted, we don't choose who our family will be. So we all have family members that we don't like very much. Some grumpy uncle or annoying cousin. So while we own these people symbolically we don't feel compelled to spend time with them if we don't have to. That is, I'll chit chat during family gatherings but when I'm on my own time I'm going to spend time with my friends, not with annoying family members.

Further, we also know that we often treat family members a lot worse than our friends. The family bond is strong. Consequently, we often abuse it. We do things to family that we'd never get away with with friends. On the one hand, this might seem to make family a wonderful example of Kingdom living, a bond so strong it can handle all that abuse. But is that really what we want? I think I've seen this dynamic in churches. The feeling seems to be, "Jesus picked you, I didn't. So, yes, I'll see you in heaven. We're family after all. So I guess nothing is a stake in my needing to treat you better. So get lost. See you at the Pearly Gates you jerk." I exaggerate of course. But I've seen this play out in church "families."

In short, it seems that friendship (rather than family) is the concept calling us to higher standards and better behavior.

So what I'm arguing, inspired by Dr. O'Day, is this: Friendship is a better model for the church than family. And there is some precedent for this. As O'Day noted, the Quakers called themselves The Society of Friends.

What might be the practical implications of this switch in imagination? Well, first, as noted, you choose to spend time with friends. You can ignore family members, you don't have to choose to be with them. But if everyone at church is my friend then, well, the expectation is that I'll choose to spend time with them. That is what you do if you're friends.

Further, as we noted, friendship calls you to a higher standard of behavior. You treat friends better than you do family members. True, that may be because a friendship is a more tenuous relationship. But I think that is missing the point. We treat friends as gifts. They are choosing to spend time with us, to share their lives with us. Consequently, we don't want to treat them poorly. We want to embrace that gift and rejoice in it. If this logic holds then what we see here is something like the self-emptying love of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit (and O'Day makes this very Trinitarian observation about friendship). I'm not sure a similar dynamic can be found with family. True, there is a certain givenness about family, but that givenness doesn't necessarily imply a gift. It could be a curse.

So that's my argument. In church we should work on being better friends and spend less time being family.

Don't Work. Be Hated. Love Someone.

-----
Written by Adrian Tan, author of The Teenage Textbook (1988), was the guest-of-honour at a recent NTU convocation ceremony. This was his speech to the graduating class of 2008.
-----

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.

You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they’re wrong.

The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.

I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan “Arbeit macht frei” was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

Whee....!!

I went for a jog/walk with Bonnie tonight and decided to check out Tavistock Park which is nearer Serangoon North side!

It's quite a nice quaint park with playground and exercise corner and all. Plenty of kids! The house surrounding the park have it good though! It's like their own backyard...

Anyways, so it's been a while since I've sat on a swing in a playground. So I did! Yes with Bonnie sitting on my lap and we both enjoyed it thoroughly! With each swing, the wind in your face, the feeling of semi-flying... as simple as it was, it felt amazing :)

More of swinging, I shall do. Haaaa

It's been a while!

Decided to blog again. Yes, it's been a while, I know. I've been catching up on readings and restoring my relationship with God.

Not many of you may know/realize this but I'm actually a really insecure lonely person. To an extent that having some form of control helps me cope. As much as I enjoy walks alone listening to music, soaking in the environment around me, there's still loneliness & dangerous surreality. On such occasions, I arrange for meet ups with friends to counter this loneliness I feel. If no one's available, which is very common now, my cousin is there for me. I'm insecure and alone. There, I said it.

Thing is this fact only sank in a few weeks ago. Sometime in mid-September or earlier. Think it's really His conviction upon my life. On one down-in-the-dumps day, I thought I heard Him saying, 'My dear, I want to captivate you.' Within the week I found my old book, one of the many I've failed to complete haa. And it's called 'Captivating'! By now I'm done with that book, and beginning to read 'Boundaries'. Something I bought but left on the shelf since 2 years back I think. So yea.. I'm convicted of a lot of things in my life.

It was scary. Like God was shining a search light in my heart and revealing all the holes and darkness. Slow and steady is the climb to finding God's promises for my life again and the excitement is building! I don't see tangible results yet, but I love who I am in Christ right now (more than ever before) and I thank God for that assurance! Lonely no more, insecurity disappearing.

God, you've opened my blinded eyes and restored my broken heart. You've set me free :) You're more than amazing!

Click on my title link for More Than Amazing by Lincoln Brewster :)

One Heartbeat At A Time

You're up all night with a screaming baby
You run all day at the speed of life
And every day you feel a little bit less
Like the beautiful woman you are

So you fall into bed when you run out of hours
And you wonder if anything worth doing got done
Oh, maybe you just don't know
Or maybe you've forgotten

You, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch and every smile
Oh, you, you may not see it now
But I believe that time will tell
How you, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time

With every "I know you can do it"
Every tear that you kiss away
So many little things that seem to go unnoticed
They're just like the drops of rain over time
They become a river

And you, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch and every smile
Oh, you, you may not see it now
But I believe that time will tell
How you, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
How you're changing the world
You're changing the world

You, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch and every smile
Oh, you, you may not see it now
But I believe that time will tell
How you, you are changing the world
Oh, I believe that you
You are changing the world
One little heartbeat
At a time

And you're changing the world

Steven Curtis Chapman, Cinderella

Will you?

I don't know about you, but I've been experiencing times where I get up in the morning and stare blankly at my surroundings thinking, 'why am I here?'

It's the feeling of isolation or more lack of feelings, in general, that's causing a personal concern. I think to myself, is the care and concern I'm giving with all my heart and being reciprocated by the same people I love? Does anyone. Anyone at all, care for me? You say you do, you say you're family, you say you're my friend but how are you showing it?

A selfish thought/feeling/emotion. I know. But I can't help but think and feel a certain way.

The big question is. Who will go the extra mile for me if I'm in need? Would you choose to spend time with me? Listen to my heart's worries? Put aside your busyness for me?

Think to the everyday human being, asking such questions would be unforgivably unfair.

Then I ask myself. Is it selfishly unfair? Can I make such requests to God? And I realize. Wait a minute. He already knows me. He knows my needs. He knows how I feel. He never needed me to voice them out.

But hang on... I can't see God. So does He really know me? Despite all that, there's a part of me that feels at peace. There's the knowing that despite my insecure lonely feelings, everything IS going to be ok. Why? Because He is here. Ever present. Ever living. Here. For me.

Thank you Jesus. Though I may have doubts but keep me reminded and assured, your purpose for my life.

^{Psalm 139: 1-18
1} O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

² You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

⁵ You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, ^a]">[a] you are there.

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

¹¹ If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

¹⁷ How precious to ^b]">[b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

¹⁸ Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

Down down down down...

Down with the flu... bleah.

I'm feeling so lousy I can't even make conversation without finding difficulty breathing. Ya. As gross as it sounds, there's so much mucus and phlegm blocking my airways till I literally have to breathe through my mouth. :(

Praying I'll be better by Tues tho. Can't afford to be ill this week.

Mixed Feelings

We let go, 2 pairs of siblings effective yesterday. The general feeling is of course, sadness. Though the sadness I feel is more for my P6 girl. She's had with me a fair share of heartaches, headaches and 'joy'-aches (due to immense laughing).

I didn't get to say goodbye actually. Mainly cause I don't work on Mondays... so when she came by to pick up her things today, in the midst of me conducting a lesson, I was glad to see her and yet it tugged my heartstrings to realize that she wouldn't be around.

She was one of those students who you'd have a lot of emotional connections for. God has really changed her & she has improved leaps and bounds since joining us. Now she's forced to leave with family issues.

I'll never forget the words she said to me when I caught up with her at the school gate.

"Aunty Sarah... I'm scared I'll forget you... I don't want to... can I come visit everyday?"

I'll truly miss you.

For some reason...

this made me smile today :)

Psalm 25

1 To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;

² in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.

³ No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

⁴ Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;

⁵ guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

⁶ Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.

⁷ Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.

⁸ Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

⁹ He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.

¹⁰ All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

¹¹ For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

¹² Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.

¹³ He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.

¹⁴ The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.

¹⁵ My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.

¹⁶ Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.

¹⁷ The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.

¹⁸ Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.

¹⁹ See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!

²⁰ Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.

²¹ May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you.

²² Redeem Israel, O God, from all their troubles!

Thought bubble

The 'in' word going on nowadays is 'Complicated'. But I think it really shouldn't. Human beings make life complicated with our 'what ifs' 'what nots' 'if so's'... Anyways, I've been having 'just ignore it' moments recently. It's like I'm striving to un-complicate my life. And it's tiring me out.

It's that place where you're torn between 'wanting to talk and be with company' and 'wanting to not talk and be in isolation'.

I wanna look at things the same. But I can't. I wanna feel comfortable and at ease like before. But I can't. It's a constant struggle & I'm beginning to want to just give it up.

The question now is, am I able to bear the consequence of giving up?

Frogs and such...

I've been encountering frogs hopping past my patio. Or at least it's just 1 frog that hops past every night from the back to the front of the house. First time I saw it, it freaked me out!

Subsequent times led to a whole conversation with my helper about how her previous employer use to like eating frogs. Steamed & fried frogs. Ewww...

Anyways, lately I've been inspired by Don Moen's classic, 'Like Eagles'. Strangely I'm not in any drama/trauma but it's been speaking to my spirit. :) Here's the lyrics

O my soul
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
It's been told form the beginning
The Lord your God is on your side

O my soul don't be afraid
Hope in the Lord
By His righteousness and power
He will strengthen
He will guide

Chorus:
And I will soar
On wings like eagles
Held by the hand of God
I will run and not grow tired
When on His name I call
For the Lord is never weary
His ways are beyond my thoughts
I will trust in Him
With all my heart

And I will rest upon His promise
Patiently I'll wait...

I will trust in Him
With all my heart
And I will rest upon His promise
Patiently I'll wait...

May Day, Northbound.

Got up particularly early on a PH just to travel to Woodlands to collect a box of 12 cupcakes specially ordered for my parents.

Wanted to surprise them with our very own simple house-warming gift! Tadah!

Ok pardon the outward expression of love but yea. Doesn't it look pretty! And best part is, it's yummy! :) It made my parents' day especially my mum. which makes the world all good.

Today is just beautiful. The morning ride to Woodlands along SLE was just amazing.

"Good-day sunlight I'd like to say how truly bright you are You don't know me but I know you You're my favorite star Follow you I will so lets get moving" - Jason Mraz

It's official...

we've moved in. Today was the BIG move with every BIG item shifted over here by lunch. It was quite amazing to see CP empty in a blink of an eye and had a flashback of when we first renovated the place before shifting our furniture in. I'm having mixed feelings. I'm happy that we're moving back here but at the same time sad to leave CP and all it's facilities. CP is really beautiful. One of the best homes I've stayed in all my 25 years.

Anyways, a new chapter is beginning.

Bless This House dear Lord above,

with Thy Happiness and with Thy Love.

Bless the Door that opens wide

To the Warmth that waits inside.

Touch the windows with Thy light,

be its comfort in the night.

Grant it Peace and Sweet Accord,

make this house Thy Home dear Lord.

Daily reading

A Beautiful Life.
By Dr. Richard Beck.

Dr. Beck: "Do you want to live a beautiful life?"

Student: "Huh?"

Dr. Beck: "Do you want to live a beautiful life?"

Student: "I think so. Yes, I'd like to live a beautiful life."

Dr. Beck: "Okay. So what kind of life do you think is beautiful? What is your aesthetic?"

Student: "What do you mean 'my aesthetic'?"

Dr. Beck: "Judgments of beauty require an aesthetic, some criterion which separates the ugly from the beautiful. So if you want to live a beautiful life you need some way of defining beauty. Here's a way to find your aesthetic, ask yourself these questions. Who, living or dead, do you admire the most? What moves you to tears? What shakes your soul? When you get answers to these questions you'll start to see the shape of your aesthetic, what you consider to be a beautiful life."

Student: "Okay, but what does this have to do with Christianity?"

Dr. Beck: "I'm a Christian because Jesus of Nazareth is my aesthetic. He's how I define a beautiful life. I've noticed in my heart that every time a human action moved my soul or brought tears to my eyes that action reminded me of Jesus. And so, because I want to live a beautiful life, I follow Jesus."

Jesus, let me see you as my aesthetic.

Attack of the mozzies!!!

Does it seem like mozzies have had an awakening from their sweet slumber and suddenly started on a rampage across Singapore!? I've gotten like 10! yes, I do not exaggerate, 10 mozzie bites since the rains came!!

Oh God where's the Mopiko!!

A day off & more moving.

So. I hurt my left foot. I figured it was part playing soccer on concrete barefoot and tripping over some loose tile while walking to MP d'Klub. On Saturday it felt like a bone or ligament was out of place and gradually, it became stiff. My parents claim that it looked slightly swollen but I honestly didn't buy in. Basically because I was able to walk around Orchard on Monday with GX and not feel pain. Ok on the account that I was limping a little to keep the weight off the foot. It wasn't pain but it felt stiff and weird. So after work, my dad offered me a ride to the western doc and here's what he said.

"Hello Sarah!"
"Hi Doctor!"
"How are you feeling?"
"Oh I'm totally fine, just that the foot's stiff"
"Yes, I can see that you're limping"
"Ya... well it's not pain but everytime I put weight on the foot it feels strange... like something's out of place."
"Ok let's have a look then"
"Btw, I was going to see a Sinseh tomorrow..."
"Don't!! You shouldn't see a Sinseh. If there's a slight fracture, seeing the Sinseh will make matters a whole lot worse!"
"Err... so you think there's a fracture?"
"At this point you're not feeling pain but I'll prepare a form for imaging to be done in case."

He then proceeded to draw the bone structure of the foot. It was quite fascinating considering I was getting a BIO lesson from a doctor during consultation. Haha anyways, he pointed out that the mid-section (where it felt stiff & uncomfortable) had the most bones and concluded that if I wasn't better by Thurs, I should go for an Xray in case there's a slight fracture.

The whole time, he didn't feel my foot. So I'm a tad suspicious that he might have been wrong but anyway. Muscle relaxants and anti-swelling pills were prescribed & I got an MC for today. Which left me feeling redundant that I could actually do work just not walk too fast but anyway...

I spent today doing lesson plans for d'Klub. Which was a good way to spend my time I would think haha! Very little moving around and if I did, I did it really slowly. In the evening, my dad figured he could activate me to pack some stuff for them to bring over. So I was left with the menial task of wrapping breakables. Sit, wrap, sit, wrap. We've gotta move out in 10days. 10 days!! Time sure flies.

Beauty in simplicity

Was on my way to work today and stopped over at Potong Pasir to grab a quick bite for breakfast. While driving out, I chanced upon this beautiful couple. The husband was lovingly talking and smiling to his beautiful wife as he cycled her off to their destination. It was like a scene back in the 1930s where a nonya would sit with her umbrella and her husband would ride her around.

To see their love for each other even after so many years is a desire I hope to have for my own marriage in the future. Trishaw's should still be around, I think. Haha!

Here's a quick pic I took before I drove off! It would have been better but was in a hurry to work!

House Updates

It's mid-April and the house is becoming more of a home. Major works involving the balcony, another flight of stairs in the back hall and my bathroom are suppose to be work in progress but I'm only witnessing the bathroom being done.

I spent half the beautiful sunny day with my father at the tile shop hunting for the right tile for the bathroom floor. We decided to keep the old tiles (which, btw, are no longer in production) so using what's left of the green and listello tiles to patch what was damaged and the new wall constructed, we had to top-up with white tiles that were still in stock (thank God) plus the floor tiles.

Colour choices were off-white, grey, greenish grey, charcoal. Thing about the green tiles and the listello is that they were so darn hard to match with different colours except pure white. But the textured floor tiles white where off white compared to the gloss white tiles. Anyways, after much picture taking, hold up and look from far, matching, adjusting angles and lighting, we finally came to a conclusion - GREY HOORAY! Haha. Didn't even wanna bring the sample back to try again just concluded everything there and then so that work can begin with what's left of the day!

Here's a sneak peak:
Construction in the bathroom

Floor tiles choice of colours: Greenish grey, grey, charcoal
Mix & Match
Finally!
Come end April, the Tans should be living under one roof in a new location whether or not construction is done.

God help make our move smooth along with quick and sturdy construction! Amen!

Fix fix unfix fix.

Something I got from staff devotion that made me smile!

God will fix a fix for you.
And if you unfixed the fix He fixed to fix you,
He will fix another fix to fix you.

:)

Monday affairs :)

Met up with two amazing, beautiful ladies today :) Truly treasure the time spent with both of them. I'm set on committing a meal on my off days with family & friends. The environment and weather made the whole day even better!

Waiting between meetings just made the day even more wonderful! Was sitting by SG river and people/surrounding watching. The breeze was just perfect! I wish I could relate what my eyes and ears and skin felt while I was sitting on the steps waiting but it's really something you'll have to experience for yourself. I shall venture to that side of town more often in my own time just to soak in the sights and sounds. The experience is almost... inspirational!

On a positive note

Was at d'Klub at Macpherson the other Saturday arvo waiting for tuition to end and the oldest volunteer from CarElderly taught me how to play cards. My colleague helped with the translation but it was quite an experience hearing her explain in Cantonese! She's the oldest being 92 years of age and she still looks fit & thinks fast!

The aim of the game is to get 3 pairs of cards that equal 10. So 4 and 6 make 10, Ace and 9 make 10 etc. Call it luck but she kept winning all of us at the table! But!! I did win a set!

Despite the communication barrier, I was actually inspired to do some elderly community work!

It was a good day :)

Just read and just let me be.

It's my internal battle. This post will sound like my emotions are getting the better of me and my world is crashing down. No empathizing, no sympathizing, no solutions or advice, no 'how are you, are you ok?'. Please. Let me release, release and just let me be.

My father commented that I have a 'small brain' because I was hesitant about applying for the NUS graduate membership and told my Aunt (who's a member) that he wanted me to apply, for the shallow reason of getting all the eating benefits. He was angry that I was shallow. And when I said I didn't want to apply and realize that I can't pay and work for the sake of keeping up a lifestyle, he said, 'so you're going to continue on this kind of salary all your life la'.

I left the room silently and cried in my bed. Heck. I'm crying as I type this. It's times like this where I begin to highly doubt myself. Who I am. What on earth am I doing with my life. People outside are living productive lives while I'm lazily confining myself to the tele and web, not intending on doing anything else productive like packing or working on a personal project or exercising... Or getting a 'decent' paying job. Think to my father, it's the biggest mistake I've ever made. To choose to be a 'nanny', doing childcare service when I should be in some big name company, by now, rising up to senior something.

Oh God, I'm sorry. I have no idea anymore where you're leading me to. All this talk of social work seems so airy fairy now. What about social work? What??? I'm just drifting, transparently drifting.

You need to get your act back together, Sarah Jane. God, you know I'll be fine.

Rain on my parade

Thank God for the rain! Though I would have loved to get some sun on my off day. Hmm..

I shall miss my home's view and breeze. Today, I saw the rain coming from the North. It moved swiftly across AMK and Serangoon Gardens, finally reaching Serangoon Central and brought with it a strong gust of wind before the downpour.

Looking out of the open window and feeling the wind made me realize I'll be leaving this beautiful place for good come April. I shall miss living high up and the convenience of a small apartment. I shall miss the pool and the 5min walk to the circle line.

Something I've started reading.

"Ted," he said, "when all this started, I asked myself, 'Am I going to withdraw from the world, like most people do, or am I going to live?' I decided I'm going to live - or at least try to live - the way I want, with dignity, with courage, with humour, with composure.

"There are some mornings when I cry and cry and mourn for myself. Some mornings, I'm so angry and bitter. But it doesn't last too long. Then I get up and say,

'I want to live...'

- Morrie Schwartz
Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

This is why I love Top Gear!

Way to go Jeremy! First, vanquish & totally wreck a beautiful Corvette in a shopping mall race and now join the Marines in war. What a show!

64 or 8?

"Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation... so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type, I'm like, "Hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "no - I want magenta!"

John Mayer

What do you say?

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world,
but Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.
You don't know about my past,
and I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me, Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do, Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say, What do you say?

Don't know much about your life
And I don't know much about your world...

My earworm... What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Building on foundations

Renovations at home are beginning to take it's toll on my parents and me. Did I mention we're moving back to our old home? Well, we are.

I stepped back into the house since over a decade ago on the 16th of January 2010. Things have picked up its pace now and the house is beginning to mold itself into our home.

From the outside, the place literally looks like it's a new home being built. Major construction work right from the streetside. But we've kept the house's foundational structure and built upon it. Gardens has changed a tad bit too but my neighbours are still the same... though with time, age catches up. The girl I use to play/baby sit with opposite my house has grown into a fine young lady. She's in poly now. The boy living beside her house has also grown tall, dark and good looking in his teens. A big difference from the skinny fair cry-baby boy I knew him to be.

Brings back good memories. As much as we're excited about moving back, the thought of packing is a whole other story. It's fortunate that we have till end March to officially move. Almost every night after work, I'll head back to join my parents at the house and the cement and dust has covered me in an itchy rash from head to toe. Don't worry I still look the usual and am very much able to work! The creams the doc prescribed is working well. Pls keep my family in prayer as we work together to finish this personal project. :)

⁹For we are God's fellow workers; you are God's field, God's building. ¹⁰By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. ¹¹For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ.
- 1 Corinthians 3: 9-11

Ramblings at midnight

Ever been so tired till you find that the world around you becomes a blur? You slow down as others whizz by. Interaction with the people around become unnecessary, one word, almost unbearable to voice, answers? You long in desperation for that escape to peace. Where being home never felt so good? You settle in and lie down in bed thinking of nothing.

That was me tonight. Tired. Plain anti-social behaviour that, I think, may have caused my 'social suicide'. Did I care? No. Why? Because I am tired.

On a lighter note, daytime was good. Seeing new volunteers, getting to know them and their interest in blessing the children is always heart-warming. I've become more resolved & accepting towards my roles and responsibilities as time passes quickly and illuminates what lies in the months ahead.

I could have been more awake during the lively service but I'll truthfully admit that I was nodding off 1/2 the time. It was a good service though... By dinner, I was in a diminished mood to socialize. What got me though was watching The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus. Interesting show. Really fantasy-based. Not exactly my cup of tea but watching Heath & Depp was good. Blurring in and out of reality & the devil striking deals with Dr Parnassus was quite confusing at first but reckon the gist of it was choosing what's right from wrong. Bah!! Oh well.

I'm just

Accepting change.

I feel like I've lost. As though the things happening around me, the change, has brought a deep sense of inevitable loss in my heart.

I'm dispirited. But detailing specifics, I foresee, would bring a hard painful realization. Perhaps I'm just being 'emo'... for real this time. Am I as adaptable to change as before? Or was I even adaptable to begin with?

You've changed. And I, have since changed. I'll need to learn to accept the fact & find my footing on independent ground.

New Year. Changed you. Misplaced me.

"Everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss;
Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out
And bring me to my knees, Lord, I lay me down"

Blessed to be a Blessing

Ps Dom preached today and I was delighted that my parents attended a service with me! As a family! First time in a long time we worshiped together.

Today's message was a convicting one. We were chosen and predestined to be where we are, who we are & God blessED us with every spiritual gift. Past tense (-ed) denotes He has already blessed us in all circumstance! He chose and adopted us while we were sinners, then poured out all His blessings on us not by drips and drops or by portion but lavishly poured out and keeps pouring!

And it's all because of Christ's completed work to redeem each and every one of us.

If we don't feel like we're blessed, it's because we have not aligned ourselves with God's ordination.

Blessedness is a state of Being, not a state of having.

I like that. Referring to being blessed as a state of Being.

I pray I'll commit to live by faith to keep in alignment with You Lord.

Welcome 2010!!

It'll be a year of Thanksgiving & passing on of blessings!