When You Are the Offender, Part 1
by Charles R. Swindoll
Matthew 5:23-24
Matthew 5:23–24 describes in a nutshell the correct response and procedure to follow when we have been in the wrong and have offended someone.
Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.
The scene is clear. A person in Jesus's day has come to worship. At that time, in keeping with the Jewish law and custom, worshipers brought sacrificial animals or birds with them. The sacrifice would be slain before God, providing cleansing of sin and a way of open access to prayer.
Today, it would simply be a Christian coming to his or her Father in prayer. Either way, the worshiper is suddenly seized with the inescapable thought, the painful realization that he or she has offended another person. In the words of Jesus, you "remember your brother has something against you."
What do you do? Stop! Don't ignore that realization. Don't just plunge on into prayer, even though that may be your first reaction. God wants us, rather, to be sensitive to His quiet prompting.
In verse 24, we are instructed to do four things:
- Stop—"leave your offering there."
- Go—"go your way."
- Reconcile—"first be reconciled."
- Return—"then come and present your offering."
The key term is reconciled. It's from a Greek verb that means we are commanded to go through a process that will result in a change. Clearly, the offender is to initiate the action.
That needs little clarification. We are to go (ideally, personally—if not possible, at least by phone or letter) and confess both the wrong and our grief over the offense, seeking the forgiveness of the one we wounded. Then, we are free to return to God in worship and prayer.
"But what if he or she won't forgive?"
When You Are the Offender, Part 2
by Charles R. Swindoll
Matthew 5:23-24
Let's say you've mustered the courage to approach someone you've offended. You've confessed what you did with sincerity. You've asked for forgiveness. But he or she refuses to forgive you.
Now what?
The important thing for each of us to remember is that you are responsible for you, and I am responsible for me (Romans 12:18). With the right motive, in the right spirit, at the right time, out of obedience to God, we are to humble ourselves and attempt to make things right. God will honor our efforts.
The one offended may need time first to get over the shock and next to have God bring about a change in his or her heart. Healing sometimes takes time. Occasionally, a lot of time.
"What if the situation only gets worse?" Another good question frequently asked. This can happen. You see, all the time the one offended has been blaming you . . . thinking all kinds of bad things about you. When you go to make things right, you suddenly cause his or her internal scales to go out of balance. You take away the blame, and all that's left is the person's guilt, which does a number on him or her, resulting in even worse feelings. But now, it's no longer your fault.
"What if I decide simply to deal with it before God and not go through the hassle and embarrassment of talking with the other person?" We'll do anything to make things easier, won't we? Well, first off—that is a willful contradiction of the command. To paraphrase Jesus, "Stop, go, reconcile, and return!" (Matthew 5:24). Not to go is direct disobedience. It also can result in things getting worse.
Let's say I am driving away from your church parking lot next Sunday morning. I back my car into the side of your beautiful new Mercedes. CRUNCH! Your stomach churns as you see me get out of the car, look at the damage . . . and then bow in prayer:
Dear Lord, please forgive me for being so preoccupied and clumsy. And please give this dear brother grace as he sees the extensive damage I have caused out of sheer negligence. And provide what's needed as he takes this car in to have it fixed. Thanks, Lord. Amen.
As I drive away, I wave and smile real big as I yell out the window, "It's all cleared up, my friend. I claimed the damage before God. Isn't grace wonderful!"
Tell me, how does that grab you? I have rather strong doubts that it would suddenly make things okay with you, no matter how sincere my prayer might have been. You and I know that would do no good.
The Savior does not say, "Simply pray and I'll forgive you." In fact, He says, "Stop praying until you have made things right!"
One final question: "What if it is impossible for me to reconcile because the offended person has died?" Obviously, you cannot contact the dead. In such unique cases, I recommend that you share your burden of guilt with someone whom you can trust. A close friend, your mate, a counselor, or your pastor. Be specific and completely candid. Pray with that individual, and confess openly the wrong and the guilt of your soul. In such cases—and only in such cases—prayer and the presence of an understanding, affirming individual can provide the relief you need so desperately.
When you have been the cause of an offense, that is, when you are the offender, have the heart of a servant. Stop, go, reconcile, and then return.
Had the first care-free, relaxed day since the 'storm'. I feel like we're all in the 'eye' of it. But somehow around us, me and my dad, it feels like the whole world is against us. Everyone is pointing the finger of blame at each of us. As much as it hurts and weariness is showing on my face... the mental emotional tiredness has not really gone away... there's an assurance in my heart that God's still there. I'm thankful for it.