Just read and just let me be.

It's my internal battle. This post will sound like my emotions are getting the better of me and my world is crashing down. No empathizing, no sympathizing, no solutions or advice, no 'how are you, are you ok?'. Please. Let me release, release and just let me be.

My father commented that I have a 'small brain' because I was hesitant about applying for the NUS graduate membership and told my Aunt (who's a member) that he wanted me to apply, for the shallow reason of getting all the eating benefits. He was angry that I was shallow. And when I said I didn't want to apply and realize that I can't pay and work for the sake of keeping up a lifestyle, he said, 'so you're going to continue on this kind of salary all your life la'.

I left the room silently and cried in my bed. Heck. I'm crying as I type this. It's times like this where I begin to highly doubt myself. Who I am. What on earth am I doing with my life. People outside are living productive lives while I'm lazily confining myself to the tele and web, not intending on doing anything else productive like packing or working on a personal project or exercising... Or getting a 'decent' paying job. Think to my father, it's the biggest mistake I've ever made. To choose to be a 'nanny', doing childcare service when I should be in some big name company, by now, rising up to senior something.

Oh God, I'm sorry. I have no idea anymore where you're leading me to. All this talk of social work seems so airy fairy now. What about social work? What??? I'm just drifting, transparently drifting.

You need to get your act back together, Sarah Jane. God, you know I'll be fine.